In trying to ready myself for what is to come for me as far as my work goes...and I've been doing A LOT of reflection lately...I was just feeling overwhelmingly lost. Plus, for Lent I gave up excessive TV watching and traded that out for more reading/writing. The kids and Shawn are outside throwing and catching balls and I've got the time to write.
Now, what to write about... Cindy's 48th birthday came and went. She died when she was 38 so that makes this ten years of me "celebrating" her birthday without her. But, as each milestone comes and goes it does get easier.
One of my amazing co-workers, Angel Richards, is a life coach. She has a business called "Helping Others Transform" or "HOT" http://helpingotherstransform.com/ and I REALLY try to take her tips to heart and put them into practice as soon as possible. She puts a lot of clever one-liners on Facebook. Around mid March, I happened upon her audio BLOG about saying No and Yes. And that lead me to thinking...
She spoke about turning down things when you are afraid. Don't feel guilty. The more you say, "No." the more opportunity to say, "Yes!" And to be ready. Dig deep. Figure it out. What's the root? Obligation? Fear? Comfort? Say, "Yes!" Step out in faith!
I just wanted to stay with this for a while. What I struggle with is knowing when to give which answer. I guess that is the trick in being true and honest with yourself. I feel guilty saying no to people I know need/want something from me. I feel guilty saying yes to some of those same people and even in some of the exact same "do over" situations. So, what does that mean? I think it goes back to not really knowing myself. That's the root of my problem. I don't know who I am and what I want to be as far as my role in others' lives. Do I want to be thought of as loyal to someone who isn't worthy? How do I know who is worthy? (Mainly I'm thinking about work and relationships with friends - not the actual people in my family.)
I want to do unto others. I want to be Christ to someone. I want to be the smile a stranger isn't expecting. And yet, I want to not get railroaded and get used or find myself in a co-dependent situation.
I want to be friendly to everyone and spread joy but then I get my feelings hurt when it isn't returned. Why? Why do I allow my feelings to be on display? To get themselves hurt? Is it because I'm still defining myself by what that other person does or says?
Then, I put myself out there to be the extended hand and get my hand bitten! Should I keep extending myself? Wall myself up? Both? I'm not able to quote the Bible but I know it says something about 7 times 70 times... Ugh!
And at a new school who is who? Doesn't everyone deserve a chance and a second chance and maybe still another? Maybe I'm the one who is the off-putting one! Especially since I'm not even able to define myself or my role at this site.
So, "Let go and let God!" Continue to be open. Continue to let God guide me. Keep trying to be Christ to someone. It ain't supposed to be easy...but this is HARD!
I define myself by what God wants me to do, be, say... I need to keep myself open to His messages so that I can walk through the path He has chosen for me. Perhaps these inner struggles are what helps me to have confidence and clarity as I walk His road. The road/path has been chosen for me, I just need to open myself to knowing that God is in control and that I am His servant.
So, back to the NO/YES thing. I say...YES to God and what he wants for me. And I say...NO to distraction, temptation, and things that remove the Holy Spirit from being my number one priority.
How could I possibly feel guilt or regret or obligation... if that is my guide? I can't! With God's help, I'll be defined as the vessel He wants for me to be. YES!
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment